Alright so this was on Barstool yesterday and then Facebook blew up my news feed with people saying what they would bring with them. I spent all night coming up with the best amenities to bring along with me for a 10 year furlough. At first my list consisted of an HD Camera (3) Hygiene Products and Jacuzzi (3) Unlimited Tobacco (4) Booze (5) TV (7) Movies (4) Video games (4) Gun (1) Pool Table (1) Cell Phone (3). Adding 5 extra points but taking away 5 millions dollars for when i get out. At first I thought this was a good choice, after about 4 seconds I realized this might be the worst combination of items to bring. A gun? What the fuck am I going to do with that? A Cell Phone? Who the fuck am I calling? HD Camera? I should get my ass kicked just for even considering bringing that. Also adding 5 extra points for $5 mil less is fucking ludicrous.
Here are a list of things that i think are absolutely NOT necessary to bring with you.
- 7 Points to get the money upfront and invest it in the stock market. I couldn’t know less about the stock market, investing, money in general. I don’t have any money and I want 10 million. That’s all I know. With my luck Ill give the 10 million to some cocksucker yuppie smug broker and 3 days later he’ll call me on the cell phone I’d be forced to bring because of him, and he would let me know “yeah, Tom.. Your money. Gone” No thanks.
- 2 Points Satellite Radio Satellite radio was cool for like 4 minutes back when Howard Stern moved over there about 10 years ago. That was it.
- 2 Points Skylight. If you waste 2 points on a skylight, you don’t deserve 10 million dollars, you deserve a fucking straight jacket.
- 2 Points model Train Set. Unless you’re Bobby from the sopranos, there’s no reason for you to have a model fucking train set. You are pretty much in the same category for those who want a skylight. Probably worse. You deserve a straight jacket and a beatin every other day.
- 1 point A gun with 3 bullets. At first I thought this might be needed, but it’s only 3 bullets so If I’m going to use it I’d probably use it on myself. And if I’m going to try to get 10 million dollars but then kill myself instead, I might as well just kill myself because that’s the dumbest thing ever.
Now That we’ve weeded out the obvious items not needed let’s discuss a few things. You’re going to be alone, being alone for 10 years has to be down right the most miserable thing a person can go though. So a friend said “I’m sorry but the puppy is absolutely necessary. You’d be too lonely. There needs to be a puppy” Nay I say. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dog more than anything on this planet and that’s a fact, but having to take care of the dog by yourself for 10 years, feeding it, cleaning it, picking up its shit in a confined space for that long just isn’t going to work out. I’m very bad at taking care of things, the dog would 100% die in the first year and I’d be absolutely heartbroken for the rest of my stay, and wouldn’t even want the 10 million anymore, I’d just want to home, and after it dies where is he gonna go? I’m sure as shit not wasting points on a garden so I cant bury him anywhere. Throw him down the trash chute? Fuck you if you think I’m just going to throw out my dead dog like that. The solution? No pet. Sorry Tino, staying home, also 6 points is a lot just to cry for 9 years after it dies.
Another thing that took a lot of thinking was the Booze. At first I thought this was absolutely necessary. What else would I do right? Especially after my dog died I’d have to drink, but I’m not bringing a pet so I wont need booze to get over something, also drinking alone really is the most depressing thing in the world. I’ve done it too many times it’s flat out pointless. Now if I’m going to bring booze I’m going to have to bring unlimited tobacco also. I pretty much only smoke when I drink and if I’m drinking and not smoking I’m fucking miserable. So right there 9 points wasted on booze and cigarettes. So after thought I really don’t want to waste 4 points on cigarettes and 100% if I’m wasting 5 points on Booze the smokes are coming too. It’s a package deal. Sorry Booze, you gotta stay home with the dog, This is going to be a sober 10 years. Also I don’t do drugs so they aren’t coming either…. This is going to be the most boring 10 years of my life.
Adding 5 points but losing 5 million seemed like a logical decision at first as well. But same friend as before said “And you are outside your mind for spending $5 million on 5 points” That’s pretty much all it took to convince me she was right. If I’m going away for 10 years I’m going for fucking 10 million. And if anybody takes 40 points and get ZERO FUCKING DOLLARS you need to take all your clothes off and lay in the middle of a highway because you need to die naked because you don’t deserve to wear clothes with a mind like that.
18 points for a hot 18 year old is too many points. If it was <10 points maybe I’d consider it. But is the girl 18 the whole time? If this bitch is going to age with me I want nothing to do with that. 28 year old girl when I’m 35 eh. No thanks, plus all the blood coming from her vagina every month, her bitching, her talking, just something not worth 18 points. I’m sure I could concoct something to have sex with for zero points. I’ll just have sex with the toilet.
Ok let’s get down to the things I’m bringing with me.
- 7 Points TV With All Channels This is a no brainer. I’m going to be away for 10 years which means I’m going to age 10 years as well. Which also means there’s going to be 10 years of evolution in the outside world. I need to know what’s going on, I sure as shit dont want to crawl out after 10 years and just not fit in with society like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. Also I going to need to watch The Following, Shameless, Homeland etc. I’d kill myself if I cant watch that shit.
- 6 Points full kitchen with unlimited ingredients and iPad for recipes. At first I was just going to do the unlimited fast food for 4 points but I’d rather just pony up the extra 2 points and eat real food. If I’m going to be a millionaire by the time this is all over with I better make damn sure I get to enjoy the feeling of it. If all I’m doing is eating fast food for 10 years I’m going to have a heart attack and/or be a fat fuck and no one would want to hang out with me. And if you can’t enjoy your good fortune with other people, what’s the point? Which brings me to my next item
- 5 Points for workout room. Basketball Court/ Batting cages In relation to kitchen argument, I need to be healthy, which means I’m going to want to be in good shape for when i get out. Jacked Healthy Rich dude you say? Sure he sounds awesome let’s chill with him, and suck his dick. Sold. i doubt I would ever use the batting cage though, so that’s a downside, it would just waste space.
- 3 Points for hygiene products and jacuzzi This is a fucking steal. 3 points? Absolutely I’m taking that. If I go like 8 hours without brushing my teeth I’m a mess so I need this with me. I don’t want to come out after 10 years, be jacked, healthy, but smell like the Undertakers asshole. No one is going to want to deal with you. I’m staying clean. So 21 Points have been used on what I believe to be essential items. now things get tricky.
- 4 points for all video games. There is going to be a lot of down time so I’m going to need some things to do when I’m not cooking or working out, I’m not really into video games but I could see myself playing NHL 13-23 over the next 10 years. I think 4 points is a lot for this item though but it’s the price I’m paying for only using 3 points on a jacuzzi.
- 1 point for pool table. Seems like something that can be useful after my time is up. Nothing impresses people more than someone who is a master at their craft. Rich, Healthy, Smells good, In shape, awesome at pool. I suck at pool now so it might be tough to get really good at the game, but I’m sure i will improve. There’s also a very good chance that pool table will serve zero purpose. but for only 1 point, it’s kind of a must have. Finally last but not least
- 4 points for library with every book ever published. Hear me out. I cannot stress enough that I am planning this stay for the better outcome for when I get out and return to society. I’m going to be alone for 10 fucking years. The only thing I can do is become a better person and that’s exactly what I would try to do. Yeah people who read a lot are fucking assholes I know, especially people who carry their books in a backpack wherever they go.. but reading is a very good time waster that benefits your mind. I could only watch so much Jersey Shore before my mind completely turns into oatmeal. A book every now and then is good. I’d probably just become like Joe in the following and get obsessed with a writer and start a cult though. Hopefully at least.
So there you have it, all you snakes that are bringing booze and drugs and internet for ten years I’ll see you on the outside when I’m healthy, rich, in shape, good at pool, great mindset and be able to do all the drugs in the world that I want, and drink whatever I want, while you are all mushy and want to kill yourself because of your dead dog you sat next to for 10 years.
Now let me get back to my amazingly miserable life that doesn’t include anything near 10 million dollars, me being smart, in shape, or good mind set. I’m off to drink, do drugs, and go on the internet all day.
p.s. Barry Bonds?