Category Archives: Sports

The Greatest Moments In American History

Happy Birthday America. You are beautiful.

10. Abe Lincoln

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Such a stand up son of a bitch, had a crazy wife, dead kids, half the country wasn’t even American anymore and he fixed all the shit. You go Abe, good for you.

9. Daniel Day Lewis

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Not an American. Still, decent guy who played an American. Hence, great American.

8. OJ Simpson trial

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Was anything else more important when that trial was on TV? Absolutely not. I missed my sons wedding because of this trial. Shit was riveting.

7. John Daly

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Just Grip it N’ Rip it.

6. Titanic sinking

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Without this, we dont have Leonardo DiCaprio. Simple.

5. Alex Morgan

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You perfect specimen. Just wish you would answer my calls just once.

4. McDonald’s brings back the McRib

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Taken off the menu in 2005 because it’s basically not real meat, or Kangaroo meat possibly. Now for about a month a year they bring this beautiful son of a bitch back. While eating, it is pure bliss. 7 seconds after the only thing you want to do is murder yourself on live TV.

3. Arrested Development

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The greatest show in American television history hands down. If you say like “All in the Family” is the best show in history, you deserve to be beaten up in front of your kids.

2. The animated GIF

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and let’s not forget

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1. Miracle

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I’m talking about the movie here, not the event that it was based on, who gives a damn about that. Miracle is the greatest movie in earth history.

Happy Birthday America! AGAIN!

Top 5 Masters Moments

I know I know, I’ve been gone a lone time. I’ve been busy (not busy). The Masters is upon us starting tomorrow and Tiger will finally win his first major since the 2008 U.S. Open when he won on one leg.

5 –  Louis Oosthuizen ( Pronounced “westhazen”.. foreign people blow my fucking mind with their god damn names) Albatross on the 2nd hole Final Round 2012

Louis went on to throw the ball into the crowd. Since this is Augusta, the patron probably has more money than Louis, so he gave the ball back to Louis after his round was over. Louis would lose in a playoff to Bubba Watson

4 – Tiger Woods’ chip in on the 16th hole Final Round 2005

 

Only one golfer in the world makes that shot, or even comes close to the hole. Tiger went on to win in a playoff over Chris DiMarco

 

3 -Bubba’s hook from the woods 2nd playoff hole (10th) 2012

Maybe the best shot in golf history, given its circumstance.

 

2 – Jack Nicklaus wins the green jacket at 46 years old 1986

Cocky old fuck. Coincidentally this was Jim Nantz’ first Masters, he will never see a better tournament. Verne Lundquist’s “Yes Sir!” after Jack’s birdie on 17 will forever be the greatest call in Masters history.

1 -Jason Day’s wife 2011

Nobody saw Charl Schwartzel birdie his last 3567 holes on his way to winning the 2011 Masters because the cameras could not stay away from Jason Day’s wife. She won the Masters. She should get her own green jacket. Bitch. Jason Day could have finished 35th and they still would show her over and over. Whoever spotted her and decided, “hey.. this girl is really hot let’s just focus on her” you deserve to be CEO of CBS by now. Well done.

 

This list is definitive it isn’t up for debate. I showed it to Billy Payne and he agreed with me so it’s all good. This year has all the making of being a great tournament. Tiger is back to being the best golfer in the world. There are an absurd number of young talented golfers out there who can win, Rory is starting to get his game back after a borderline terrible start to the year. A Tiger Rory final pairing on Sunday is wishful thinking but very possible. Go sports!

Tug of War match leads to fingers, blood, and screaming children everywhere.

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(Post-Game)A simple game of tug-of-war ended horribly for two California high school seniors. During Spirit Week at South El Monte High School outside of Los Angeles, Edith Rodriguez and Pablo Ocegueda were playing tug-of-war when the rope snapped. The rope had wrapped around the hands of Rodriguez and Ocegueda, so when it snapped, several of their fingers were severed. Rodriguez, a soccer player, and Ocegueda, a football player, were immediately brought into Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center for surgery to reattach their fingers. Eddie Pickett, a supervising dispatcher with the Los Angeles County Fire Department, told NBC News that the teens lost four fingers on each hand while Rodriguez also lost the thumb on her right hand. “They were just both in shock, staring at their hands,” Jennifer Jiminez, a freshman at South El Monte, told KCBS. “They didn’t know what to do.” Nick J. Salerno, Superintendent of El Monte Union High School District, said its schools have been playing tug-of-war for years. “I’ve never heard of anything like this happening,” Salerno said. “It’s unbelievable to me, it’s shocking.” Dr. Robert Glatter, an emergency medicine physician at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York, was not involved in the treatment of the South El Monte students but in an email to CBS he wrote that he could see how injuries like these would happen. “Loops, knots and other types of ‘holdings’ — used to wrap the rope around hands or any part of the body is extremely dangerous — and can place individuals at risk for finger and hand injuries,” Glattner wrote. “Including traumatic amputations and joint dislocations.” While extremely rare, there are several documented cases of similar injuries resulting from games of tug-of-war. In 2007 two Colorado high schoolers partially severed their hands during a game of tug-of-war. One year later an 8-year-old Minnesota girl lost four fingers when her hand got tangled in the rope. Tug-of-war was an Olympic sport until 1920, and the sport’s supporters are hopeful that renewed interest could help getting the event restored by 2024. In the meantime, the Tug-Of-War World Championship in 2014 will be held in Madison, Wis.

 

There are 2 things to remember while playing “Tug of war” A) The guy in the back is the anchor, put the strongest kid back there. B) Don’t lose your fingers. Simple

Now I could something like this happening in like Venezuela or Uganda, or wherever Kony is at these days. This is the most unAmerican story in the history of the United States. This is why North Korea is making propaganda videos of assholes sleeping and bombing our city in their dreams, because our children are getting dumb and losing their fingers playing a fun game that should end in like, dislocated shoulders and whole arms severed and broken knees, not lost fingers. Get it together America, you’re embarrassing yourself. Next time just make sure you’re using a good rope that wont snap.

This is the 3rd case of lost fingers in a tug of war related incident since 2007? This is disgusting. Stop having children.

Also, dont forget the Tug of war championships in Wisconsin is a year from now. I guess that’s relevant.

Tom’s top 10 most disliked athletes

Forbes did their annual list of hated athletes, goes like so

  1. Lance
  2. El Tigre
  3. Chick from Laguna beach’s boyfriend
  4. Queensbridge
  5. The worst baseball player in the history of baseball
  6. Bark Bark
  7. Some Nascar Driver
  8. “KOBE!” (shooting garbage in trash can)
  9. Jessica Simpson

Now sure some of these players deserve to be on here, some dont. Here is the definitive list of athletes I dislike the most.

10. Shaun White

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Such a cocksucker, look at the fucking hat. The wrong guy died at the X games this year.

9. Bernie Mac

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Such a selfish prick, comes out of retirement just so he can get 3000 hits? selfish much? You fucked up the whole dynamic of the team.

8. David Simms

DaveSimmsThe guy hates old people, and yells at children. Always lays up with the U.S. open on the line. tool.

7. Hunter Pence

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If you like Hunter Pence you probably have Lou Gehrigs Disease and are gonna die in 7 minutes.

6. John Lackey

John Lackeyugh, close your mouth you fat asshole. CLOSE IT!!

 

5. Sidney Crosby

fileCrosby:”hey ref.. ref!! The guy just looked at me!”.. Ref: “5 minute major for looking, and an 8 game suspension and you lose custody of your children.”

 

4. Tom Brady

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Brady: “hey Ref.. REF!.. That guy ju”  Ref : “Shut the fuck up, Tom, no one cares. You haven’t won anything in 10 years…. your wife is hot”

 

3. Alex Morgan

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Answer my Phone calls, Love Letters, text messages, snap chats, twitter DMs and you’re off the list. -Love, your boyfriend, Tom Rudolph

 

2. Andrew Luck

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You’re so ugly that it gave your coach cancer.

 

1. Dustin Johnson

Fuckin Bombay

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paulinagretzkypool_612article-0-14542bea000005dc-752_634x949Paulina-Gretzkypaulina-gretzky-vacation-photos-2paulina-gretzky-4paulina coverFuck you, keep grounding your club in the bunker.

Phil misses the green on 16 at TPC Scottsdale. Murdered by Rickie Fowler’s tee shot shortly after.

p1_mickelsonAs I mentioned earlier, Phil shot a 60 yesterday at the Waste Management Phoenix Open at TPC Scottsdale. Today, Phil was on his way to another miraculous round, unfortunately for Phil, tragedy struck the golf world.

Phil is approaching the 16th tee walking through the tunnel hearing nothing but chants of “Phil, Phil, Phil, etc.” He is a graduate of ASU, and is a fan favorite in golf, more so at Scottsdale. Phil had just made an eagle on the par 5 15th to increase his lead to 6 over fellow PGA championship winner Keegan Bradley, who shot a very respectable 63 earlier in the day. Through the chants of the vigorous 16th hole at TPC Scottsdale; the most exciting hole in all of golf, Phil is talking with longtime caddy Jim “Bones” Mackay, like he does before every shot he’s ever taken in his PGA tour career. Phil pulls out a Gap wedge on a hole where most  golfers were taking either 9 iron or Pitching wedge.. Classic Phil move. As the crowd languidly softens their excitement for the 40 time PGA tour winner, Phil takes his natural massive hack at the ball, dead on towards the pin. The flaccidity of the crowd noise is turning into an enduring roar by all in attendance. Suddenly the ball has fell on the green surface, and rolled, and rolled, and kept rolling… Off the green. The respect for Phil in Arizona is seen, when he is in fact, not booed.

Unfortunately for Phil, he is paired with Rickie Fowler who is 24 over par over his last 5 holes. The 23 year old Fowler takes a 3 hybrid for some reason, he’s completely lost his way at this point of the tournament. He takes 30 practice swings before his shot. The chants of the crowd go from “Phil, Phil” to “Grundle. Grundle” for some reason. Whatever, not looking into it. Rickie takes the swing and pulls a classic Tom Rudolph when the ball in fact doesn’t go forward, but instead goes sideways right into Phil Mickelson’s fucking face, killing him instantly.

R.I.P. Figjam.

 

ps. Phil isn’t dead. He’s destroying this tournament. Flirting with .. never mind he just hit a ball into the water at 18. Fuck you Phil.

Dustin Johnson’s life is 48098098x better than anyone elses.

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I hope if they have a child it has 3 dicks, 4 breasts and a face like Andrew Dilorenzo. None of that will probably happen though.

One of the best golfer’s in the world and now has the greater one on his arm. Fuck you man. The rich get richer.

This was posted hours after DJ withdrew with "flu-like" symptoms.. sure sure

This was posted hours after DJ withdrew with “flu-like” symptoms.. sure sure

If you had this minx walking outside the ropes with you, I'd withdraw 7 days a week

If you had this minx walking outside the ropes with you, I’d withdraw 7 days a week

 

Fuckin Bombay

Fuckin Bombay

Look at those fuckin tits

Look at those fuckin tits

By the way, Phil almost shot a 59 yesterday.. Don’t care? oh ok. Phil’s tits.